Well, it’s been quite a while since my last post. From December 2019 to December 2021, I’ve had two major surgeries, with what seemed like a barrage of steroid injections in between. Add in some physical therapy, and it’s a recipe for discomfort and chaos. I’d lost my drive, and desire to pursue any research. Not to mention, it was difficult to find the time. I was seriously ready to throw in the towel. As a matter of fact, part of me actually had thrown in the towel.
It has not been an easy journey. I’m not speaking of my surgeries and recoveries. This time I’m speaking of my personal journey into my African American history. I’ve felt tremendous anger, disappointment, frustration, unfairness, and loss. There have been times that I’ve just cried gigantic tears looking over death certificates, and news articles. I wish I could make every person in the world feel the twinge of pain I feel when I see the term “negro boy” describe an enslaved grown black man. I wish I could make every person in the world literally hear the sound of my heart breaking when I see ghastly, gruesome past events repeat themselves today. What do I mean? Think of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Daunte Wright, Botham Jean. I could go on and on. It’s impossible to get over or get past something that is felt viscerally and cuts deeply into your soul.
I had to ask myself why I was doing this. “Why are you willfully on this emotional rollercoaster ride? After all, hardly any family members seem to have an interest or care about what you’re doing. You’ve reached out for information, documents, pictures, and have only received silence or attitude in return. Why continue to subject yourself to this?” I had begun making preparations to shut down this blog, cancel all of my family tree sites, box up all of my documentation, and be done.
I thought about it more and realized, I’m nosy! I’m doing this for me! I have to know, I want to know, I need to know! This is MY personal African American history journey, and no matter how much it hurts, or how exhausting, or frustrating it is, I’m going to see it through. If others benefit from what they find here, that’s just icing on the cake.
See you in the next post!
Image is from Shutterstock.